I knew!

I’m trying really hard to make my study of Preach My Gospel a meaningful experience.  I’ve attempted this before but get bogged down when it talks about missionary experiences.  I’m determined this time not to let that happen.  The assignment this morning is to record in my journal spiritual experiences that have helped me understand better as I have studied the scriptures.  Or, Have I had unusual opportunities to meet people with whom I could share a message?  Have I been given words to say at the moment I needed them?  Have I had a strong feeling of love for a person I have met?  How have my prayers been answered?

You can see why this is a challenge for me.  I have not served a mission.  However, I have studied the scriptures and I feel I understand the purpose of studying them more than I use to. I don’t go through just reading a chapter at a time anymore, but rather I try hard to think of why the writer included it in the book I’m reading. 

I believe with all my heart the Lord wants us to understand His purpose in our lives, i.e. to progress and be worthy to return to Him.  Why?  He loves us.  We are his children.  I will never forget the first prayer I uttered for rescue.  “Heavenly Father, whatever it is my parents are praying for me, I’m ready to do my part.”  It had been nine years since I prayed for anything.  I don’t feel my heart was hardened; I had just stopped praying.  The miracles that occurred from that time on were undeniable.  I knew He was there for me.  I knew I was someone of worth somehow.

About a year later I was preparing to go to the temple.  Although I knew the reality of the Lord and that He loved me, I had a lesson in SS that really impacted me.  Had I had the confirmation of the Holy Ghost that the things I knew were true?  Well, according to the lesson, the Holy Ghost hadn’t exactly born witness to me – even though the joy I felt each day exceeded that of the day before.  I was happy for the first time in years and it wasn’t just from being entertained.  The joy of the gospel was permeated throughout my being.  I was excited to learn new things, or rather things that hadn’t stuck in my youth.  So I prayed as our SS teacher said to do.  I was already fasting.  I asked that Satan would be rebuked from my home and that the Holy Ghost would be present and bear witness of the truthfulness of the Gospel.  I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t feel much different after an afternoon of what I thought was sincere prayer and longing.  I went back to Fast and Testimony meeting.  I had intended to bear my testimony, but I was concerned because the Holy Ghost hadn’t really told me it was true.  How could I bear witness of such things?  As soon as the meeting was turned over for testimonies, I stood up with the resolve to be cautious about what I said – since I guessed I didn’t know through the Holy Ghost.  As I stood up and took the microphone it seemed my words were on auto pilot.  I said, “I know my Savior lives.”  I cannot begin to do justice to the feelings I had at that very moment I spoke this truth.  It was as if a hole had been opened into my bosom and somehow warm liquid was being poured into my chest.  I could feel it moving and the more I said, the more it moved and warmed my whole soul.  I knew the Holy Ghost was bearing witness to me, and I knew I knew of the truth of the Gospel, the Book of Mormon, the reality of my Savior and His love for me.  I knew the Lord was pleased with me.  I knew I was on the right path.  I knew, I knew, I knew!  And I cried!

Oh how I pray for each of my children and their spouses and their children to have similar experiences.  This one experience alone has been my “go to” whenever my faith waivers.  I haven’t really had my faith waiver since that day, but sometimes I get weary thinking my children will never get it.  I’m reminded of the miracle of my own conversion and am given the peace I need.  I know we are all processing and that in the Lord’s own due time, my children – my posterity, will have these same convictions.  Perhaps it will not be in this life, but I know some day they will know.